Rogue Scholarship.

Like Moliere's Monsieur Jourdain who was shocked to discover that he’d been speaking prose all his life, I’ve had a second career and wasn’t aware of it. In addition to being a writer, I am also a placebo scholar. I didn’t know such a thing existed until I read about it in today’s (6/22/10) New York Times. Actually, I didn’t read the article. Like a true placebo scholar, I read the teaser, “Scientist at work: Tor D. Wager, placebo scholar” and feel entitled to expound upon it.

The classic example of a placebo is the sugar pill that, somehow, cures the subjects of a medical experiment as well as the real drug. Another example would be my knowledge of French. I’m a dab hand at “menu” French (the only surprise I get in a French restaurant is if the food is bad) but, in conversation, I use what Raymond Chandler would call “A sort of broken-down patois which is something like the way a Swiss waiter speaks.” Yet, it’s enough to get me through a vacation in France with only a few mild reprimands. Voila, le placebo.

Okay, I’m being a little modest. I can, for instance, puzzle out what the characters are saying – and singing – in the classic French film, Les Parapluies de Cherbourg (Lay Para-PLOOEYS duh SHARE-burg.) If you haven't seen this movie, I confess that it’s not exactly written by Albert Camus. Although, that would be interesting: Boy meets girl on beach in Cherbourg, Boy beats girl to death with umbrella (le parapluie) . . . on second thought, there’s probably no future for L’etranger de Cherbourg.

Another example would be my knowledge of nineteeth-century literature. Take Anna Karenina: I’ve never read it, but I have seen the film version several times and strongly believe that reading the novel would be a lesser experience if I didn't see Greta Garbo in my head. The same goes for Madame Bovary (Jennifer Jones) Pride and Prejudice (Greer Garson) and Moby Dick (no women – a complete waste.)

Is placebo scholarship as socially useful as the medical kind? No, but only because real scholarship, as they say, is not the cure for cancer. Look at higher education, it’s hardly changed since the Middle Ages. We still study some form of the trivium (grammar, rhetoric and logic) and the quadrivium (arithmetic, music, astronomy and geometry) but with an overlay of British imperial training and the German mania for organization. None of which has anything even remotely to do with the way people learn. About the only thing that the modern university does well is serve as, in the words of Erik Erikson, a “psycho-social moratorium.” That is, it delays emotional maturity until society is able to absorb young adults into the labor pool. As such, however, it’s a wonderful laboratory for advancing sex, drugs and rock-and-roll and thoroughly deserves our heart-felt gratitude.

Thus, I’d like to welcome the scientist, Tor D. Wager, and everyone else to the ranks of placebo scholarship. It’s a cheap distinction, but not a small one.

Cap and Frown.

Another spring and no has asked me to speak at their graduation. It doesn’t have to be a big or fancy school and I don’t expect an honorary degree although one would be nice. I just want to share my wisdom. The speech is already written, so I’m waiting for an invitation. Until then, all you wisdom seekers can read the text below.

In the story, "Trouble Is My Business, " Raymond Chandler writes, "Anna Halsey was about two hundred pounds of middle-aged putty-faced woman in a black tailor made suit. Her eyes were shiny black buttons, her cheeks were as soft as suet and about the same color. She was sitting behind a black glass desk the size of Napoleon's Tomb and she was smoking a cigarette in a black holder that was not quite as long as a rolled umbrella. She said, 'I need a man.'"

Beginnings are important. They can tell us a lot about the rest of the story, even determine it to a certain extent, but no one should presume to guess the end from the beginning. Especially with a mystery. The same is true of you. It's fine to have ambitions and feel you have a grip on the future, but not too tight. A relaxed grip is best.

"I need a man good-looking enough to pick up a dame who has a sense of class, but he's got to be tough enough to swap punches with a power shovel. I need a guy who can act like a bar lizard and backchat like Fred Allen, only better, and get hit on the head with a beer truck and think some cutie in the leg-line topped him with a breadstick."

This passage is both prescriptive and descriptive. It prescribes the sort of man that Anna Halsey claims to need. Indeed, the sort of person that any man would proudly be. Right down to knowing who Fred Allen is. But this passage also describes Anna as a woman who knows what she wants. Not literally, of course, but vividly and explicitly. That's a good quality. Have goals, but don't get hung up on specifics. Note that Anna never says why she want this man or even if she expects to finds him, yet her sense of direction is firm.

"It's a cinch', I said. 'You need the New York Yankees, Robert Donat and the Yacht Club Boys.'"

Don't ever take yourself too seriously. Who was Robert Donat? He was a lot of people, he was an actor.

"You might do', Anna said, "cleaned up a little."

You might, too. Thank you. And Good luck.