Sep 19, 2013

THE DEVIL WEARS OPRAH.


     Office of  “O Magazine.” Like a hive filled with female drones, it’s     unnaturally busy. Oprah Winfrey, wades in and all activity stops – then starts again, focused on her. The eponymous “O,” she is, quite naturally, the queen bee.
         
     “I’m glad you’re here,” says the editor, “We’ve got a terrific idea for the cover of the next issue. Something very different.”
         
     “Great. ‘Cause I’m running out of hairstyles.”

     The editor is a small, slight woman vibrating with the intensity of an impoverished divorcee making herself up at a cosmetics counter.
         
     “We were thinking - for a change, that’s all - of putting someone else on the cover.”
         
     “Why? Are sales down?”
         
     “No, but maybe we can sell even more.”
         
     “I’m the brand. My name is on the magazine.”
         
     Exactly. What if - keep an open mind - we just have your name on the cover. One issue only – as an experiment.”
         
     “I’ve got a movie out now. You need my picture. What if I wore something different?”
         
     “African?”
         
     “No, really different.”
         
     “Tefillin?”
          
     “Something body conscious. Michael Kors?”
          
     “We don’t want to get too glamorous or we’ll lose our base.”
          
     “How about a wrap dress? That’s a classic – and I have twenty-five that I haven’t worn.”
           
     “What about someone who’s glamorous and accessible?”
         
     “Who?”
         
     “Beyonce.”
         
     “I’m sick of her. She’s everywhere.”
         
     “Just a notion.”
         
     “And I’m sick of the guy she’s married to.”
         
     “Jay Z? He’s very big right now.”
         
     “He’s always big. He ought to lay off the candy bars.”

Oprah turns to the woman closest to her, a striking blonde in her twenties, wearing, to great effect, eight thousand dollars worth of the latest fashions and hiding, with equal success, an education that cost twenty times that.

“Make a note. Send our last ten diets to Jay – what is it?”

“Z.”

“Jay Z.”

“That’s only one issue.”

“Send him ten issues.”

“Think about it,” says the editor to Oprah, “That’s all I ask. Think about Beyonce.”

“Why? She hasn’t made one movie and I’m in the biggest movie of the year.”

“With all due respect, she’s still pretty famous.”

“But I’m the star of Lee . . . Butler’s?

“Child.”

Lee Butler’s Child? No.”

Lee Child’s Butler.”

“Lee Child doesn’t have a butler.      He’s lucky to have a cleaning woman. Steven Spielberg has a butler. He probably has ten.”

    “The name of the movie is Lee Child’s The Butler.”

“That’s an awful name. No wonder I can’t remember it.”

“You should write it on your hand.”

“On my ham?”

“On your hand.”

Oprah turns to her blonde assistant. “Note. Make hearing aids incredibly cool. Just in case.”

A stunning brunette in her thirties, laced into a leather dress that fits like     the cover of a baseball, rises from her desk.

“Why don’t we put you both on the cover together,” she proposes.

“Oh, yeah,” replies Oprah, “great idea. And we should both wear the same dress. No? Then why don’t I put my Chanel boots on and kick you all the way back to Vassar?”

The woman sits down as Oprah, the color purple, scans the room for other brave souls. “Any more bright ideas?”     The editor assumes her decisive pose, a matter of jutting her chin out.

“It’s settled. Oprah will be on our next cover. Hair and clothes to be determined.”

Sep 13, 2013

J.D. SALINGER: THE PITY PALACE.


          Jerome David Salinger, the famously reclusive author, died in 2010. (“For J.D. Salinger – With Love And Squalor” TFT 1/29/10) Three years later, the documentary, Salinger, directed by Shane Salerno, parts the clouds around his life – and leaves a cloud on his reputation.

Not intentionally, the film is unfailingly positive, but it’s two hours long, so among the hero-worshipping, sensationalism and unanswered questions are a great many facts. Being the stubborn things they are, these facts lead to an inescapable conclusion: J.D. Salinger felt sorry for himself his entire life. Occasionally, he was distracted and, ultimately he replaced his pain with religion, but in addition to his literary contribution - indeed, encompassing it - Jerry Salinger built a house, nay, a palace of self-pity and lived in it to the end.

J.D. Salinger was the sensitive, intelligent, talented son of a wealthy, Park Avenue family. A man about town, he dated beautiful women, notably Oona O’Neil (daughter of Eugene and future wife of Charlie Chaplin.) As a soldier, he took part in the Invasion of Normandy, The Battle of The Bulge and the Liberation of Paris, where he met and made friends with Ernest Hemingway. Salinger’s first and only novel, The Catcher In The Rye, made him famous at the age of thirty-two. That’s a lot of good fortune to overcome, but J.D. was nothing if not determined. Having nursed his adolescent angst into a major work of fiction, he turned a raging case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder into Nine Stories, a literary reputation and, arguably, a lifestyle. He came by his PTSD honestly, however. As the documentary makes clear (in a manner more akin to hammer throwing than character sketching) Salinger was among the first American soldiers to enter the Dachau concentration camp in 1945 and was very affected by it. 

          Salinger’s precarious mental and emotional state is reflected in three of his best short stories. “A Perfect Day For Bananafish” about a brilliant, but disturbed man who commits suicide. “Teddy” about a brilliant, but disturbed ten-year-old boy who commits homicide and “For Esme – With Love and Squalor” about a brilliant, but disturbed soldier and his relationship with a thirteen-year-old English girl. Although the last one        has no body count, it may be the most unsettling because the girl in question owes more to Ava Gardner as Lady Brett Ashley than, say, Judy Garland as Dorothy.

What distinguishes these stories, apart from their style – economical and concrete like Hemingway, but more flowing and deeply personal in tone – is the overwhelming, almost palpable sympathy he has for his characters. It’s what makes these stories instantly engaging and fondly remembered. Their strength, however, is also their weakness. As no less an author than John Updike said, “Salinger loves his characters more than God loves them.” When you consider that every character in every story, every sensitive loner and highly intelligent, but tormented, individual is J.D. Salinger himself, then, even for a writer, that’s an epic amount of self-regard.

Nine Stories cemented Salinger’s literary reputation because The Catcher In The Rye, for all it’s acclaim - and the director has no trouble finding people, often famous, to acclaim it – is a qualified success. Teenagers will identify completely with Holden Caulfield and think it’s the best book they’ve ever read because it perfectly mimics their intense, shifting emotions in a voice exactly - not close, but dead on - like their own. Adults are more likely to admire the technique, but yearn for a character beside the author’s persona and anything resembling a plot. 

That brings us up to 1953. J.D. Salinger is thirty-four and he lives to be ninety-one. What does he do for the next fifty-seven years? He writes – and publishes - a short story and three novellas: “Franny” (1955) Raise High The Roof Beam, Carpenters” (1955) "Zooey" (1957) and “Seymour: 
An Introduction" (1959). That’s all. “Seymour: An Introduction” was his farewell. At the ripe, old age of forty, Salinger leaves O. Henry’s “Baghdad On The Subway” for “Shangri-La” in the mountains of northern New Hampshire. Not exactly a hardship. The idea of leaving the city for some beautiful, remote location occurs to every Manhattanite around 3.5 times a day. The reality, for J.D., was more humble. Salinger, shows us how dull and ordinary, how utterly unromantic, his house and separate writing studio in Cornish, New Hampshire were. If you were dust you might want to settle there, but they lack what real estate agents call, “everything.” Not that his life there was dull. Mr. Salerno takes great pains (ours, not his) to prove that his subject is not as reclusive as we think.

          J.D. Salinger never lacked for female companionship. He didn’t know any women, I don’t think he could, but he sure knew a lot of girls. (His only relationship with a woman his age, his first marriage, lasted eight months and she may have worked for the Gestapo. Except for her knowledge of torture methods and a taste for decorating with swastikas, that could happen to anyone. Okay, maybe not. Plus, his Jewish parents weren’t thrilled.) Then, while still pining for Oona O’Neill (whom he knew while she was in high school) he meets Jean Miller, who is fourteen (although, she states in the film, they didn’t have sex until she eighteen) Claire Douglas (Radcliffe student and his second wife) and Joyce Maynard, whom he noticed reclining like an eighteen-year-old odalisque on the cover of the New York Times Magazine. (In all fairness, she was hard to miss.) Maynard, in turn, was replaced by Colleen O’Neill, an au pair girl, whom he married and widowed. 
                                                            
            That’s all the light that Salinger sheds on the author’s romantic life. If you want heat, go somewhere else. About the only mildly kinky thing in the movie is how, during her interview, Joyce Maynard is wearing the same watch, too large for her wrist, that she wore on her magazine cover and which reminded Salinger of the watch that Esme wore in his story, “For Esme - With Love and Squalor.” That dizzy feeling is Vertigo (1958).

So much for hero worship, unanswered questions and torrents of facts.What about the sensationalism I promised? It doesn’t amount to much. When the film ends, the director tries to tease us with all the writing Salinger supposedly did and never showed anyone. He claims that Salinger’s personal foundation has copies and will start publishing them, per his instructions, in 2015. There are a lot of reasons not to hold our breath.

J.D. Salinger spent most of his life, easily the second two-thirds or about sixty years, practicing Vedantic Hinduism. Here I must plead ignorance. Everything I know about Hinduism is from the movie, Gunga Din (1939). Assuming that Salinger did not worship the goddess, Kali, he probably took a more austere path. One involving a lot of renunciation. So, he takes the beautiful palace of self-pity that is his life and starts emptying it. No more publishers wanting things or, worse, depending on him. No more crappy editors at The New Yorker, who insist on having standards that aren’t his own. No more constant distraction by wives, girlfriends and, oh yeah, those two children he had with his second wife. Harsh and unsparing, I’ll grant you, but there are two obvious benefits. One is that, like all writers, he loves the sound of his own voice and what echoes better than an empty house? The other is serenity and who needs more goddamned serenity than Jerome David Salinger?

It doesn’t guarantee good literature, though. I’ll give you The Razor’s Edge (1944) by W. Somerset Maugham, but after that the pickings get kind of slim. What’s more, Maugham was working with editors, publishers and reviewers. He wasn’t sitting around talking to himself, laughing and kissing his hand. So, when Shane Salerno rises to his full, sensationalist crouch and beats the drum for more stories about the brilliant, but disturbed Glass family, a WWII novella about a soldier exactly like J.D. Salinger and a “manual” of stories about Vedanta, forgive me if I don’t throw my hands in the air and shout, “Hallelujah.” Instead, I’ll cover my ears and chant, “Om my god.” 

Sep 6, 2013

SYRIA: A LITTLE LEARNING IS A DANGEROUS FOREIGN POLICY.


A lot of half-smart objections have been raised about our country’s possible military involvement in Syria. What are our goals, our strategies and our chances of success? Is it worth the expense in money and lives and what about the risk of unintended consequences? They’re half-smart because they’re not really objections. They’re valid questions that should be asked - and answered - before our government takes action, but do not, by themselves, constitute a policy. They’re not even opinions. They are the beginning of a process, not the end result. They’re half-smart because the people making these objections think they’ve learned something from our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, but if they’ve learned anything, it’s “Isolationism.”

        Bashar al-Assad, President of Syria, is using chemical weapons against civilians. He is maiming and killing thousands of innocent people, hundreds of them children and all of them fellow Syrians. He is committing crimes against humanity and daring, not only the opposing forces within his country, but the world to stop him.

Some people aren’t satisfied by the evidence against him, they want to  be convinced before they do anything. If you can’t see that excuse coming a mile away, you’re making it. Didn’t we learn anything in Iraq? Yes, that weapons of mass destruction demand a response, but make sure they’re real.

         How about in Afghanistan? We learned two things: never invade a country that has “Graveyard of Empires” on its license plates and if you’re searching for Osama Bin Laden there, make sure he isn’t relaxing in Pakistan, watching “Gossip Girl” by satellite. None of which applies to Bashar al-Assad using poison gas against his own people.

Isn’t the U.S. tired of military actions that could lead to long, expensive, frustrating wars? Can we even afford one at this point? Wouldn’t that money be better spent fighting the threat of universal healthcare in this country? Yes, all true – and not for the first time.

It was true before the Second World War as well. Americans, a lot of them, were so horrified by the First World War that they would do anything to avoid another. What’s more, it was the Great Depression, so their economy was a lot worse than ours. Even the threat of universal healthcare was greater - part of a program called The New Deal. Yet our country joined the fight against Hitler and few people today think that was bad idea.

Bashar al-Assad, like Hitler, should be stopped before he commits more crimes against humanity. Doing nothing is worse than half-smart. It’s half-human.