The First Annual St. Valentine's Day Parade.

1/4/11

Finally get permits and approvals to begin organizing first annual Valentine's Day Parade in New York City. Paint red stripe down Fifth Ave.

1/5/11

Ask Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Diana Taylor to be Grand Marshals. He says Diana is busy, but Gov. Andrew Cuomo is available. Two men? There’s already a parade for that.

1/6/11

Mayor Bloomberg offers to march alone – unless it snows.

1/12/11

Ask former Governor Elliot Spitzer to lead parade. He's glad to oblige. Every statue of St. Valentine in the country screams, jumps off its pedestal and smashes itself to pieces on the altar.

1/18/11

Harvey Weinstein, the famous movie producer, agrees to march. Lose his unlisted phone number. Have to invite every Harvey Weinstein in NYC.

1/23/11

Woody Allen offers to be Grand Marshal. Tell him I liked his earlier parades better.

1/28/11

Finally, I realize the best possible choice for Grand Marshal. It’s so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. The greatest love story in the history of New York City is between Donald Trump and himself! Ask The Donald and he agrees, but insists on calling it the Trump Day Parade. Tell him to kiss something besides his reflection.

2/03/11

Ask Archbishop Timothy Dolan if he will march in parade. Says there is no St. Valentine. I tell him there is no Santa Claus. He cries. I feel very guilty. Meet with Dr. Sol Roth, Rabbi of the Fifth Avenue Synagogue, who says he can’t make it. Monday is free latke day at the Second Avenue Deli.

2/5/03

Meet with leader of New York City’s Moslem community, who loves parades and guarantees hundreds of marchers. Turns out to be The Shriners. I thought it was too easy.

2/7/11

Think about asking any or all of New York’s famous championship teams to lead the parade. Think about moving to Boston.

2/9/11

Running out of options. Ask the New York Chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous if they will lead parade. They will only march twelve steps at a time.

2/11/13

Ask New York Psychoanalytic Institute to do the honors. They will only march for fifty minutes.

2/13/11

Cancel St. Valentine’s Day parade. Make dinner plans with wife. She’s busy.