Oh, My Akin Head.

      You can be a no-neck, lowbrow, knuckle-dragging Snopes and I don’t care, but don’t leave Texas – or Missouri. Go ahead, marry your cousin, but, please, don’t have children. If you insist on having children then under no circumstances should you ever allow them to hold public office. If you do, then they’ll be like Tom Head of Lubbock, Texas.

      He’s a judge of some sort and as Manny Fernandez reports in The New York Times (8/27/12) he expects civil unrest if President Obama is re-elected. What’s more, Mr. Head thinks the president will send United Nations forces into Lubbock  to stop any uprising. “‘He’s going to try to hand over the sovereignty of the United States to the U.N.’ Mr. Head said [on local television] ‘O.K., what’s going to happen when that happens? I’m thinking worst-case scenario: civil unrest, civil disobedience, civil war maybe.And we’re not talking just a few riots here. Were talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms and get rid of the guy.’ And if the president did send in United Nations troops, Mr. Head continued, “I don’t want ‘em in Lubbock County. O.K. So I’m going to stand in front of their armored personnel carriers and say, ‘You’re not coming in here.” And the sheriff. I’ve already asked him. I said, “You gonna back me?’ He said, ‘Yeah, I’ll back you.’”

           Don’t trust The New York Times? How about The Lubbock Avalanche-Journal? (Avalanche must mean something else in Texas) “Which wrote in an editorial that Mr. Head ‘Threw civility out the window and went in a bizarre direction that not only embarrassed himself but all county and West Texas residents.’”

         The only thing worse than bringing someone like Tom Head into the world is educating him. Then he becomes Rep. Todd Akin (R) of Missouri. A six-term member of Congress, who claimed, also on local TV, “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” That is, it can prevent an unwanted pregnancy.

         As they say down in Texas, “You buy ‘em books and you buy ‘em books and they just chew on the covers.”

Romney and Ryan: Lifestyles of the Rich and Fanatic.

     Mitt Romney needs advice. It looks like he’s planning his own campaign and that’s never a good idea. So, here is my advice to Mr. Romney, unsolicited and free: Own the tax thing. Say, “The great thing about this country is you can get so rich that you never have to pay taxes. I am proud to be that rich. Vote for me and you’ll be that rich, too.”  That way, any taxes he’s ever paid in his life, are a bonus. Plus, it’s a campaign promise that can’t be topped. How can you beat instant wealth? It has to be instant because if you think people are impatient waiting for jobs (which they don’t really want, but are better than nothing) try telling them, “You’ve won the lottery, but there will be a slight wait for your money.” What can the Democrats offer instead? Power over life and death? “Vote for me and you can kill one person without consequences.” Better yet, “You can exchange murders and kill someone you don’t know.” Call it, Strangers on a Campaign. Maybe not.

     That leaves making an economic argument, which Democrats are famously bad at. “If no one pays taxes, the deficit will increase.” First, like many Democratic notions, it begins in mid-air and goes up. Second, no one cares about the deficit. The next generation? Screw ‘em. If you really care about them, repeal the estate tax. Do you think President Reagan cared about the deficit when he was tripling it? Hell, no. “Star Wars” could have been the name of his economic program: send the deficit to the stars and use war to bring it down. Instead, he called it, “Trickledown Economics,” a name so filled with contempt for the people it was supposed to help that only “The Great Communicator” could sell it

     The only people who really care about the deficit are tight-assed, bean counters like Paul Ryan. Oops. I meant people like Paul Ryan. You know the type: sharp, but dull guys who can think of a million ways to go from A to B, but can’t even imagine C – especially when it stands for Consequences. Don’t think, for a second, that I’m underestimating Mr. Ryan. Anyone who can grab the third-rail of American politics (reducing or eliminating Medicare/Social Security) and get stronger is not of this Earth. Paul Ryan resembles The Terminator without looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger. The only thing I’m sure he can’t do – and you shouldn’t try, either – is to convince people that you want to protect Medicare/Social Security. No one will ever believe you. You’ve already tried? Then don’t compound the mistake by suggesting that the Obama administration is the real threat to social programs. You’ve done that, too? Hmmm. Can I get back to you?