FRANCIS, WE HARDLY KNEW YA!

Now, that the Papacy has become a job that you can retire from, the new Pope, Francis I, can quit, too. Who would blame him? Experts everywhere have said that the new Pope will face many challenges – like that’s a good thing. He automatically becomes responsible for every scandal plaguing the church and he can’t be fast enough and effective enough in addressing every one. (Don’t even think about the Vatican Bank.) Really, he can get his own red shoes. So, when the true nature of the job that Jorge Cardinal Bergoglio has signed onto becomes clear to him, no one should be surprised when he hangs up his zuchetto and goes, “Ciao, bello.”

         

      The first thing he’ll want to do,      of course, is go back to Argentina, where the people love him. Where they used to love him. Then he was elected Pope and they adored him. He was a national hero. Argentina has produced a Pope. Now, however, they'll think he’s a quitter. The Pope who couldn’t cut it. A weakling, a coward. What’s the Spanish word for macho? Oh, yes. Macho. Francisco no es macho. He’ll be lucky if they don’t stop him at the border. Okay, no Argentina.

         

       How about Monte Carlo, he'll think. It’s time he lived like a person. No vows of poverty, obedience and – what’s the other one? Some time on the beach would be nice and maybe a game of chance in the casino. So, Jorge Bergoglio moves to Monte Carlo, where he quickly discovers that Popes are infallible everywhere, but at the craps table. (“Baby needs a new pair of red shoes!”) He runs through his money vite and can’t get more because, once he quit, they took away his holy credit card. His Eminence moves down the coast to a less expensive neighborhood and takes a job at the Home Depot in Marseille. (“Does this apron come in white?”) He’s doing pretty well and the irony of still serving carpenters is not lost on him, but the job poses its own unique challenges (“Hammers are over there.” “How about silver hammers?” “Funny. That’s the first time I heard that – today!”) 

          So, the former Pope Francis I will return to Rome and ask for his old job back. (“I’m humble, I’m humble. Look at me, I’m turning the other cheek.”) By now, however, Angelo Cardinal Scola of Milan is Pope. (“What’s wrong with Pope Angelo? It means angel!”) What’s more, he wants to keep the job. So, he introduces Jorge to the new Captain of The Swiss Guard, Carmine "Big Fondue" Mazzola, who introduces Jorge to the bed of the Tiber. Sic Transit Francisco mundi.