DEAR MARTHA STEWART.

     I read in the New York Post (4/30/12) that you are seeking male companionship. I would like to apply for the, uh, position. According to 

the article by Bob Fredericks, you prefer a man who is “young-ish” and “tall-ish. If you mean that in the way that I’m Jewish and you’re Polish, then I can’t help you. If you mean “in the area” of being young and tall then we’re in luck. “Outdoor-ish?” I’ve been going to Tanglewood for years and I always sit on the lawn - even in the rain. Energetic? Extremely, thank you. As for “really smart” all I can say is, “Vivamos atque amemos.”

You describe yourself as being, “Curious, intelligent, entrepreneurial, hardworking, fun and adventurous.” Congratulations, you’ve just met my first six requirements. Add tall, blonde, shiksa, who knows her way around a bain-marie and you’re a perfect ten. 

Success, you allude, may be an issue. The man of your dreams should be successful, but for his sake, not yours. I understand completely. A lot of men might be intimidated by your wealth and fame. Not me. You could be “Martha Stewart” and I wouldn’t care. The more successful, the better. My own degree of success is another matter. Ask if I’m successful and my answer is, “You mean currently?”

     Enough about us, what about our common interests? “Cooking, Dining out?”  Check. “Fishing/Hunting?” Yes to sharing a sleeping bag and making the earth move, yes to cooking Risotto Milanese over a campfire (I’ll bring the saffron) no to anything involving death. “Museums and art?” I have a full set of dogs playing poker - framed.

I couldn’t help noticing that your pets include, “Birds. Cats. Dogs. Horses. Other.” I like all of them. It     is, however, hard to keep horses in a Manhattan apartment. Not that I haven’t tried.

We seem to have a complete meeting of the minds, but what about the rest of our bodies? You told Matt Lauer (On the “Today” show, I don’t want to start any rumors) “I’d like to have breakfast with somebody. I’d like to go to bed with somebody. Sleep with somebody.” I hate to brag but, if this were a questionaire, I could fill that box completely.