Have Gun, Will Shargel.

Time: The Near Future.

Place: Midtown Manhattan.

The office of Gerald Shargel, a prominent criminal defense attorney.The walls are covered with shelf after shelf of handsomely bound legal volumes, numerous awards and degrees and behind his desk (closest to his heart?) framed headlines about his many high-profile cases. Foremost among them, his daring use of an “intellectual property” strategy to successfully defend Robert Joel "Joe" Halderman, a former TV producer charged with blackmailing talk show host, David Letterman. The phone rings, Shargel presses a lighted button and talks into a speaker.

Shargel

Hi, Joe. Good to be free, isn’t it?

Halderman

Yes. Thanks again.

Shargel

Find any TV work?

Halderman

It’s very hard.

Shargel

Just be patient. People have a short memory.

Halderman

Except when you owe them money.

Shargel

Don’t do anything rash, okay?

Halderman

Define “rash.”

Shargel

I had a feeling this wasn't a social call.

Halderman

I tried to sell another screenplay.

Shargel

Why, Joe, why?

Halderman

I need the money. Especially, after paying you.

Shargel

I know, but not Letterman.

Halderman

Listen to me! It wasn't Letterman.

Shargel

Then who?

Halderman

The man who owns a bodega at Convent Avenue and 131 St.

Shargel

Why him?

Halderman

It’s the story of a storeowner at that very location who survives a robbery by quickly and quietly handing over all the money in his register.

Shargel

Did he buy it?

Halderman

No, he tried to sell me his screenplay about a holdup man who gets shot because the storeowner keeps a large, loaded gun under the counter. I say, “That’s a pretty flimsy premise for a whole movie.” He says, “It’s been tested. They love it in Harlem.” At this point in the negotiations, I stick my gun under his chin and say, “This is ‘can’t miss’ material.”

Shargel

Wait. Hold on. Stop right there. I’m getting the sense that this is no longer an “intellectual property” issue.

Halderman

Oh, we passed that a long time ago.

Shargel

Wish I could help you, Joe, but I don't have a free second. Since winning your case, I’ve been deluged with offers. More than I could ever take. I’m already overcommitted.

Halderman

You mean you won’t help me?

Shargel

I can’t, but I will give you a sound bit of advice.

Halderman

Anything. Please. I’m desperate.

Shargel

You don’t need a lawyer, you need an agent.