2000-2009: Name That Ruin.

As the year and the decade ends, we should decide what to call the last ten years. The Oughts, the Ohs, the Zeros? How about “The Good For Nothings?” It seems appropriate for a decade that began with Y2K, followed with 9/11 and included natural disasters such as the Tsunami of 2004 and Hurricane Katrina in 2005. There was full compliment of man-made disasters, too, but unlike the natural ones, they’re ongoing: the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the failing economy and the airline industry. We should, of course, be careful, when using the word, “disaster” in connection with air travel. So, let’s describe it as routine humiliation interrupted by moments of panic. As for the economic situation, you have your choice of three names – recession, depression or deferred compensation – depending on your experience of it.

About the only bright spot was the election of President Barack Obama in 2008. Most of his term(s?), though, will fall in the next decade, so it doesn’t really count. It does, however, give us something to look forward to. So, say goodbye to “The Good For Nothings” and say hello to “The Splendid Tens.” Happy New Year.

FOUR SHREDDINGS AND A FUN-FOR-ALL.

1) By slowing progress towards healthcare reform, Sen. Joe Lieberman(I – CT) proves that he is a speed bump, who wants to be a stop sign, but lacks the literacy.

2) A question for Sen. Ben Nelson (D – NE) who is so opposed to abortion that he’s willing to murder the healthcare reform bill before it’s born: Do they not have irony in Nebraska or do they just not understand it?

3) Don’t you just love the new Boeing 787 “Dreamliner?” Sure, it’s made of plastic, but it’s strong plastic. Yeah, it’s two years overdue because it was largely made by subcontractors whose work was either sub-standard, didn’t fit together or something. (Neither of which should matter for a while.) The only real problem with the “Dreamliner” is that will be owned and operated by airlines - promising us an experience somewhere between going to a brand-new prison or being hanged with a fresh rope.

4) With every new usurious rate or contrived way of extracting money from their clients, credit cards have become the new airlines: a formerly respectable business, now so debased that they would be gone if they weren’t necessary.

5) There is a shocking lack of movies starring Blake Lively. Especially ones that an adult can watch – over and over. What does a man have to do? Write them himself? Hmmm.

A New Financial Model For Wall Street.

There have always been two Wall Streets, one for the rich and one for everyone else. I propose that we make it explicit and legal: a "Preferred" market for the rich and a "Common" one for the rest. As a rich individual or institution that engages in the "Preferred" market, you'll be free to indulge in every kind of financial instrument available: Hedge funds, derivatives, mortgage-backed securities, you name it. Arbitrage, leveraged buyouts, default credit swaps, everything is on the table. Most importantly, there will be no interference - not from self-regulating industry bodies and certainly not from government at any level. All conflicts will be handled with guns - like your heroes, the cowboys of the Old West, or your current analogues, Mexican drug gangs. The only rule is that you use your own money.

The "Common" market will serve everyone else. It will consist of a rubber donut for men and a dildo for women. You are, of course, free to choose either or all. We're not here to judge.

Suppose you're involved in the "Preferred" market and you're a bank that needs depositors, an insurance company that needs policy holders or a publicly-owned company that needs, well, the public? Go find your own rubber donut.

Will this new model conflict with programs, present and future, of the Obama administration? No, because it's very similar to their own strategy of recognizing a long-standing problem, disguising it as change and hoping it's mistaken for progress. TARP, for instance, acts like a tarp in covering up a problem until conditions improve. Then, we can go back to ignoring the problem or taking it for granted. True, President Obama has only been in office for a year and this new model is fueled - to a large degree - by impatience. It's the impatience, however, of someone watching the mandate of the last election recede quickly into the past and the future at the same time.

The Unwritten Laws of New York.

Everyone should visit New York City, especially at holiday time. To make your experience more enjoyable, I submit the following “rules” of behavior that you won’t find in any guidebook. If I've overlooked any, please send them to me. Thanks. Have a great time in the Big Apple.

1) "Don't Walk" signals are for tourists. Residents must cross the street whenever and wherever they want. Extra points are awarded for making turning cars slow down and get stuck in the intersection.

2) If you drive in Manhattan, shame on you. On the occasions when it necessary, you must teach arrogant pedestrians a lesson. Remember, they won’t learn anything if you kill them.

3) Any line of more than three people shall be considered a personal insult. Waiting patiently is like meekly accepting a slur against your character.

4) One must run up escalators and walk down them. You can not stand to the right and allow people to pass you unless you have crutches.

5) You must never go to more than one cultural event a year, although you must claim it as the number one reason for living in New York.

6) You must never cook at home and, under no circumstances, may you cook Chinese. restaurants and take-out are the only legal forms of eating.

7) Retail is for suckers:

A) Whenever someone compliments you on a piece of attire, you must tell them how much it costs. Modest women may avoid giving actual figures by muttering, "outlet" or “sample sale.” Men may say, "I know someone."

B) For larger purchases such as apartments and cars, you must go into detail about the financing. Extreme detail. A laptop is handy.

C) It's not an official bargain until you find someone who paid more and humiliate them.

8) Spring and autumn in New York must be so glorious as to inspire songs. If either lasts more than one week, it must be accompanied by a summer and winter of unendurable harshness.

9) Nature shall be defined as a squirrel. Trees are a theory, grass is a dream and flowers are sold in bunches. Pigeons are flying rats and Birdsong was one of The Supremes. Under no circumstances may Central Park be confused with nature. It is simply a Hamptons for the resort-challenged.

10) You must brag about the quality of New York tap water - unless you want to be right.What we drink may begin pure and wholesome in the Catskills, but it travels here through pipes that were new when Boss Tweed was in knickers.

11) There is only one legal topic of discussion: real estate - everything else must be subsumed within it. Eg: "If Mayor Bloomberg doesn’t want Gracie Mansion, can I have it?”

12) You must drink at least twelve cups of coffee a day. Members of the United Kingdom may substitute tea, but only if they have an accent.

A) Coffee "regular" means with milk and sugar. Don't argue, it's the law.

B) Any concoction that involves steamed milk may be priced as if it was made with cocaine.

C) Coffee to go must be served in a blue and white paper cup adorned with the Parthenon. It must leak.

13) MTA stands for “Metropolitan Torment Authority.”

A) Every subway line must have three different names, none of them the destination.

B) Local and express trains must travel on separate tracks except when they don’t.

C) The MTA gets extra points if they change a train from local to express while you’re on it. Thus, forcing you to miss your stop. When they reach a hundred points, they can raise their fare another twenty per cent.

D) Uptown and Downtown trains must have different entrances except when they don’t. Transfer between them must always be possible unless you need it. Should such transfer be available, it must be through a tunnel so scary that policemen only enter in groups.

E) Crucial information about the subway will only be provided after you've paid your fare. Potentially life-saving announcements must be completely unintelligible.

F) You may only board a bus in Manhattan if you’re taking it to another borough. That’ll teach you.

14) If there are less than seven million people in New York on a summer weekend, it will be considered "empty." This obliges all remaining residents to see the same movie at the same time at the same theater. One can, however, get a table at a trendy, overpriced restaurant with only a week's notice.

15) If only six people are in the movie theater, they all have to sit directly in front of each other, forming a narrow line up the center, After all, those are the best seats. (See "Waiting In Line" 7/17/09)

16) The words “excuse me” no longer merit a response. Instead of meaning,“Please move and let me through,” they now mean “Please stand there and ignore me until I have to push you out of the way.” Unless the person in your way is a tourist. In which case, they don’t mean anything.

17) Rain will have the power to melt taxis and cause umbrella vendors to sprout from the pavement.

18) The practice of psychotherapy will be confined to the Upper West Side of Manhattan. The conversion of hysterical misery into common unhappiness in any other neighborhood is prohibited.

19) If you are born within the five boroughs of New York City, you may not pronounce a final "r." It is no coincidence that our teams are the Knicks, Nets, Giants, Jets, Yankees and Mets. The Rangers don't count. Until they won the Stanley Cup, New Yorkers thought hockey was a form of spitting.

20) If the Yankees ever move to another city, anyone who even looks like the owner will be put to death.