The Unwritten Laws of New York.

Everyone should visit New York City, especially at holiday time. To make your experience more enjoyable, I submit the following “rules” of behavior that you won’t find in any guidebook. If I've overlooked any, please send them to me. Thanks. Have a great time in the Big Apple.

1) "Don't Walk" signals are for tourists. Residents must cross the street whenever and wherever they want. Extra points are awarded for making turning cars slow down and get stuck in the intersection.

2) If you drive in Manhattan, shame on you. On the occasions when it necessary, you must teach arrogant pedestrians a lesson. Remember, they won’t learn anything if you kill them.

3) Any line of more than three people shall be considered a personal insult. Waiting patiently is like meekly accepting a slur against your character.

4) One must run up escalators and walk down them. You can not stand to the right and allow people to pass you unless you have crutches.

5) You must never go to more than one cultural event a year, although you must claim it as the number one reason for living in New York.

6) You must never cook at home and, under no circumstances, may you cook Chinese. restaurants and take-out are the only legal forms of eating.

7) Retail is for suckers:

A) Whenever someone compliments you on a piece of attire, you must tell them how much it costs. Modest women may avoid giving actual figures by muttering, "outlet" or “sample sale.” Men may say, "I know someone."

B) For larger purchases such as apartments and cars, you must go into detail about the financing. Extreme detail. A laptop is handy.

C) It's not an official bargain until you find someone who paid more and humiliate them.

8) Spring and autumn in New York must be so glorious as to inspire songs. If either lasts more than one week, it must be accompanied by a summer and winter of unendurable harshness.

9) Nature shall be defined as a squirrel. Trees are a theory, grass is a dream and flowers are sold in bunches. Pigeons are flying rats and Birdsong was one of The Supremes. Under no circumstances may Central Park be confused with nature. It is simply a Hamptons for the resort-challenged.

10) You must brag about the quality of New York tap water - unless you want to be right.What we drink may begin pure and wholesome in the Catskills, but it travels here through pipes that were new when Boss Tweed was in knickers.

11) There is only one legal topic of discussion: real estate - everything else must be subsumed within it. Eg: "If Mayor Bloomberg doesn’t want Gracie Mansion, can I have it?”

12) You must drink at least twelve cups of coffee a day. Members of the United Kingdom may substitute tea, but only if they have an accent.

A) Coffee "regular" means with milk and sugar. Don't argue, it's the law.

B) Any concoction that involves steamed milk may be priced as if it was made with cocaine.

C) Coffee to go must be served in a blue and white paper cup adorned with the Parthenon. It must leak.

13) MTA stands for “Metropolitan Torment Authority.”

A) Every subway line must have three different names, none of them the destination.

B) Local and express trains must travel on separate tracks except when they don’t.

C) The MTA gets extra points if they change a train from local to express while you’re on it. Thus, forcing you to miss your stop. When they reach a hundred points, they can raise their fare another twenty per cent.

D) Uptown and Downtown trains must have different entrances except when they don’t. Transfer between them must always be possible unless you need it. Should such transfer be available, it must be through a tunnel so scary that policemen only enter in groups.

E) Crucial information about the subway will only be provided after you've paid your fare. Potentially life-saving announcements must be completely unintelligible.

F) You may only board a bus in Manhattan if you’re taking it to another borough. That’ll teach you.

14) If there are less than seven million people in New York on a summer weekend, it will be considered "empty." This obliges all remaining residents to see the same movie at the same time at the same theater. One can, however, get a table at a trendy, overpriced restaurant with only a week's notice.

15) If only six people are in the movie theater, they all have to sit directly in front of each other, forming a narrow line up the center, After all, those are the best seats. (See "Waiting In Line" 7/17/09)

16) The words “excuse me” no longer merit a response. Instead of meaning,“Please move and let me through,” they now mean “Please stand there and ignore me until I have to push you out of the way.” Unless the person in your way is a tourist. In which case, they don’t mean anything.

17) Rain will have the power to melt taxis and cause umbrella vendors to sprout from the pavement.

18) The practice of psychotherapy will be confined to the Upper West Side of Manhattan. The conversion of hysterical misery into common unhappiness in any other neighborhood is prohibited.

19) If you are born within the five boroughs of New York City, you may not pronounce a final "r." It is no coincidence that our teams are the Knicks, Nets, Giants, Jets, Yankees and Mets. The Rangers don't count. Until they won the Stanley Cup, New Yorkers thought hockey was a form of spitting.

20) If the Yankees ever move to another city, anyone who even looks like the owner will be put to death.