Evan Bayh's Resignation: The Bunk Of The Wabash.

You can either buy fertilizer or get it free. Evan Bayh, two-term Democratic Senator from Indiana, just gave us a steaming pile of the free kind. On Monday, February 15^th, he announced that he was retiring from the Senate.There could a worse time to do that, but it isn’t likely. His President, party and country need all the Democratic votes they can get – now! Yet, what reason did he give? That extreme partisanship has made it impossible for Congress to accomplish anything. He didn’t give examples, but he doesn’t have to. Evan Bayh accomplished nothing during his twelve years in the Senate.

Does Sen. Bayh take any blame for that himself? No, instead he takes the vulgar popular notion of “extreme partisanship” and tries to hide behind it. What is he hiding? It’s obviously possible for someone named Bayh to achieve great things in the Senate, his father proved that. Holding the same seat as his son from 1963-1981, Sen. Birch Bayh was principal architect of the 25^th and 26^th Amendments to the Constitution. He was principal Senate sponsor of the Equal rights Amendment, which passed both houses of Congress, but wasn’t ratified by the states and was a major force in passing Title IX to the Higher Education Act, which gave women equal opportunities in school sports. A different time, you say? Yes, the late Sixties and early Seventies were a peaceful time in this country. No dissension at all. Lyndon Johnson and Richard Nixon really brought the nation together.

Does Evan Bayh blame congressional Republicans for consistent party-line voting, filibustering and other tactics intended to obstruct? No. Does he, at least, point the finger at House Minority Leader, John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, the Guillain and Barre of creeping congressional paralysis? No, because then he would be “partisan.”

What’s wrong with being “partisan” anyway? The two parties should be different. The more alike they are, the worse for everyone. Attacking the other party is healthy, defeating them is an obligation. When the other party blocks legislation for their own selfish reasons, you don’t blame “partisanship,” you blame them. Being “bipartisan” is not some mysterious goal. It won’t usher in the Millenium. Being “bipartisan” is simply the result of not being a selfish pig. When politicians think about what’s good for other people, things get done.

Evan Bayh doesn’t even think about what’s good for other politicians. Not only has he betrayed every Democratic colleague at the national level, up to and including the President, he’s screwed the ones in his home state of Indiana, too. By announcing his retirement on Monday, none of them had time to qualify for the primary. Now, the Democratic nominee will be chosen by the state party committee. He didn’t learn that kind of behavior from his father. Birch Bayh is the man who pulled Teddy Kennedy from the flaming wreckage of a plane crash in 1964. So, not only is he a hero for saving Teddy’s life, he can lay claim to the next forty-five years of Kennedy’s career in the Senate, too.

What does Evan Bayh plan to do once he’s out of office? Be a lobbyist? Not after burning all his Democratic bridges. Run for Governor of Indiana? Been there, done that - twice. Granting him the full measure of self-delusion common to all politicians, he may want to run for President. But why? Even a conservative Democrat is too liberal for the Republicans. A third party? Good luck. That leaves Joe Lieberman, the Independent who looks like a donkey, but votes like an ass.

The only respectable thing for Bayh to do now is rescind his resignation and beg to be forgiven. If not, then he should be beaten senseless with a chair by Bobby Knight, the hot-tempered former coach of the Indiana Hoosiers, who liked to fling furniture onto the basketball court when things weren’t going his way.

The First Annual St. Valentine's Day Parade.

1/4/10

Finally get permits and approvals to begin organizing first annual Valentine's Day Parade in New York City. Paint red stripe down Fifth Ave.

1/5/10

Ask Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Diana Taylor to be Grand Marshals. He says Diana can’t make it, but Gov. David Patterson is available. Two men? There’s already a parade for that.

1/7/10

Ask John Edwards and Rielle Hunter to lead parade. They are glad to oblige. Every statue of St. Valentine in the country screams, jumps off its pedestal and smashes itself to pieces on the altar.

1/10/03

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford agrees to be Grand Marshal, but only if he can march with his Argentine “soul mate.” I tell him to take a hike.

1/16/03

Ask Roman Polanski. He’d love to do it, but can’t leave Switzerland. Sends a fondue set and three excellent phone numbers.

1/19/03

Have to explain to three irate fathers why I’m calling their daughters.

1/23/03

Harvey Weinstein, the famous movie producer, agrees to march. Lose his unlisted phone number. Have to invite every Harvey Weinstein in NYC.

1/28/03

Finally, I realize the best possible choice for Grand Marshal. It’s so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. The greatest love story in the history of New York City is between Donald Trump and himself! Ask The Donald and he agrees, but insists on calling it the Trump Day Parade. Tell him to kiss something besides his reflection.

1/31/03

Ask Archbishop Timothy Dolan if he will march in parade. Says he’s busy on Sunday. Oops. Meet with Dr. Sol Roth, Rabbi of the Fifth Avenue Synagogue, who says that he’s also busy on Sunday. “Don’t you mean Saturday?” “No, Sunday is when I go to brunch at “Russ and Daughters, the Queens of Lake Sturgeon.”

2/9/03

Meet with leader of New York City’s Moslem community, who loves parades and guarantees hundreds of marchers. Turns out to be The Shriners. I thought it was too easy.

2/13/03

Cancel parade. Make dinner plans with wife. She’s busy.