The First Annual St. Valentine's Day Parade.

1/4/10

Finally get permits and approvals to begin organizing first annual Valentine's Day Parade in New York City. Paint red stripe down Fifth Ave.

1/5/10

Ask Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Diana Taylor to be Grand Marshals. He says Diana can’t make it, but Gov. David Patterson is available. Two men? There’s already a parade for that.

1/7/10

Ask John Edwards and Rielle Hunter to lead parade. They are glad to oblige. Every statue of St. Valentine in the country screams, jumps off its pedestal and smashes itself to pieces on the altar.

1/10/03

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford agrees to be Grand Marshal, but only if he can march with his Argentine “soul mate.” I tell him to take a hike.

1/16/03

Ask Roman Polanski. He’d love to do it, but can’t leave Switzerland. Sends a fondue set and three excellent phone numbers.

1/19/03

Have to explain to three irate fathers why I’m calling their daughters.

1/23/03

Harvey Weinstein, the famous movie producer, agrees to march. Lose his unlisted phone number. Have to invite every Harvey Weinstein in NYC.

1/28/03

Finally, I realize the best possible choice for Grand Marshal. It’s so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. The greatest love story in the history of New York City is between Donald Trump and himself! Ask The Donald and he agrees, but insists on calling it the Trump Day Parade. Tell him to kiss something besides his reflection.

1/31/03

Ask Archbishop Timothy Dolan if he will march in parade. Says he’s busy on Sunday. Oops. Meet with Dr. Sol Roth, Rabbi of the Fifth Avenue Synagogue, who says that he’s also busy on Sunday. “Don’t you mean Saturday?” “No, Sunday is when I go to brunch at “Russ and Daughters, the Queens of Lake Sturgeon.”

2/9/03

Meet with leader of New York City’s Moslem community, who loves parades and guarantees hundreds of marchers. Turns out to be The Shriners. I thought it was too easy.

2/13/03

Cancel parade. Make dinner plans with wife. She’s busy.