Three Lovers, But For You, Two.

The movie, Two Lovers, seems to have come and gone without anyone seeing it. Actually, one person did and described it to me. I don't remember all the details, but the following summary should cover the major points.   

Brighton Beach, Brooklyn is a melting pot of Russians, Jews and Russian Jews. If you’ve ever tried to cook with a melted pot, you know how practical an arrangement that is. Schmulka Bernstein (Conan O’Brien) is a sensitive, young Jew, born and raised in Brighton Beach. He hates living there, but doesn’t leave because he’s afraid to take the  Q train. Virile, but not very smart, he impregnates Natasha Yar (Queen Latifah) daughter  of the notorious Russian gangster, Boris “Babi” Yar, a man who takes the murder of  34,000 Jews by the Nazis as his business model. They’re arranging the wedding when Estelle Liebowitz (Gwyn Paltrow) the rabbi’s daughter, returns from Israel. Not only is she beautiful, intelligent and pious, she’s hot as a wool yarmulke. Schmulka and Estelle fall instantly and completely in love. At this point, Natasha returns from the doctor and ecstatically announces that she is carrying triplets. (Not to be confused with the restaurant owners, whom her father carried for years.) Schmulka tries to lure Natasha into a rowboat, but she’s seen A Place in the Sun and, no Shelley Winters, shoots her faithless fiancé in the groin. He considers himself lucky until he realizes what her father will do when he finds out. It’s impossible to hide from “Babi” Yar (even the Pope owes him a favor) so, as a last resort,  Schmulka goes to his synagogue and seeks sanctuary. 

The Rabbi, his future father-in-law, wants to help, but can’t (“You were expecting, maybe, Notre Dame?”) He does, however, hire a member of his congregation to act as Schmulka’s bodyguard. Irgun Mossad (Austin Pendleton) is so tough, he can smoke a whitefish just by looking at it. There is a climactic battle in which Mossad kills three thousand Russian gangsters, all named Gyorgi Foreman, and only sustains a flesh wound himself. Schmulka and Estelle get married at the Palm Beach Country Club, where the Rabbi announces that, as wedding gift, he’s invested all their money with Bernie Madoff. The happy couple are toasting their good fortune when Natasha Yar bursts in, brandishing a Kalashnikov rifle. She fires a warning shot, which gets their attention, but also hits a mounted swordfish on the wall. It falls, sword down, stabbing Natasha through the heart. No one takes it as an omen, but the Country Club takes it as  a business expense. Everyone lives happily ever after – they think.