Elaine May, But Woody?

Elaine May interviewed fellow writers Woody Allen and Ethan Coen in The Sunday’s New York Times. (11/16/11) I enjoyed the questions, but found the answers a little underwhelming. So, I’ve replaced them with my own.

Q: A miraculous being with divine powers appears to you and says, "You have a choice. You can be fabulously attractive and have an even better physique or you can reverse climate change." What do you say to her?

A: I'd definitely go for better looks. I'd never get credit for stopping global warming. Even If I claimed it, they'd ask me to prove it. Better looks, on the other hand, would have immediate and satisfying results.

Q: How would you go about achieving world peace if you had the time?

A: I'd make the world bigger, so everyone had lots of room. That way, no one could complain about their neighbors. But would I get the Nobel Peace Prize? Nope. The Nobel Peace Prize exists to give Third Worlders honor instead of dinner and to piss off Republicans.

Q: . . . It would be helpful if you told me something startling about yourself, you've never told anyone else.

A: I have stigmata. I know that's supposed to be good, but I hide it because if anyone knew, I'd have to convert.

Q: What is your understanding of "redeeming social value" and which plays had it last year?

A: Forget about redeeming society. Ain't happening. Value on Broadway? Are you kidding? At these prices, even if I took myself, I'd feel obliged to sleep with myself.

Q: What's the biggest secret you were told and asked not to repeat?

A: I'm the one they trusted to bring "The Message to Garcia." At least, I think it was me. Yeah, it was, but . . . was it Garcia? There was war on, I know that. See? That's why people don't trust me with secrets.

Q: "What if the law of gravity just wears out and lets go and I drift into space?" Does that ever make you nervous?

A: It's not the drifting that worries me. If gravity stopped, all the parts of my body that hang would suddenly slap me in the face.

Q: What question that I haven't asked would you like to answer.

A: What makes Patty Lane lose control? A hot dog. "Where Cathy adores a minuet / The Ballet Russe / And Crepes Suzette / All Patty loves is rock and roll / A hot dog makes her lose control / What a wild duet."