Let's Kick Some Class.

It’s not always possible to ignore the campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination. Sometimes I have to listen and, lately, I’ve been hearing a lot about “class war.” More surprisingly, the candidates are against it. I love the idea of class war. It’s not a hot war with shooting and killing. It’s a financial war and the worst that can happen is that people lose interest.

Let’s begin by choosing sides: Upper Class or Lower Class? There is no middle class, there can’t be. How can you have three sides in a war? It has to be Us against Them. Anything else is confusing. So, Upper or Lower?

Right there is our first problem. No one wants to be in the Lower Class. Maybe it’s the name? Working Class? No, the Working Class hates the Lower Class because it’s only a mortgage away from joining it permanently. Perhaps you’ve noticed. Maybe Upper is the problem? Ruling Class just makes things worse. Let’s try removing Class. Rich is good because it’s descriptive and has no connotation - unless you’re a Protestant who believes in “The Elect,” a Republican, or a stockbroker. (If you’re a Protestant Republican stockbroker, why are you reading this? You should be apologizing for talking me out of buying Apple stock ten years ago.) The problem is not with Rich, but the opposite. Who want to be Poor? Sounds like the second best game show in Kazakhstan. Owners and Renters? No, those are real classes in New York City. For arguments sake, let’s settle on The Solvent Minority and The Sucker Majority. Solvents and Suckers, for short.

Okay, all the Solvents on one side and Suckers on the other. C’mon, someone has to be a Sucker. Our economy needs them. You can’t have a free market without Suckers. Anyone still waiting for economics to “trickle down?” Sucker. Anyone who thought, even for a second, that our “mission” in Iraq was “accomplished?” Big sucker. Who thinks Alan Greenspan deserves a second chance? No, forget that. You’re all rich and that just confuses things.

How about a Draft? We’ll call it the Sucker Service. It will only be temporary – unless you die. Just like the real draft. And like the real draft, the Solvents will find ways to avoid it. (Don’t worry if you’re wounded. You’ve got health insurance. Sucker!)

So much for the Sucker class. Filling the Solvent class should be easy. Anyone who likes Cole Porter can join. What if you’re a fabulously wealthy rock star who hates Cole Porter? It’s only a matter of time. Know what a hedge fund is? In. Invest in a hedge fund? Definitely in. Think there’s no risk involved with hedge funds? I’m afraid you’ll have to join the suckers. Anyone who thinks naming a hedge fund after a pirate ship isn’t a big, fat clue? Wow, there’s more suckers than I thought. Maybe there are too many. Why don’t we call off the “class war?” Temporarily, that’s all. Until there are two clear sides.