Goldfellas.

“Goldman princes told:

spend like paupers.”

The New York Post

8/4/09

INT DINER AFTERNOON

LLOYD BLANKFEIN (Robert DeNiro) Chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs, sits at a table in the back of Kitchenette, a faux-rustic diner in TriBeCa, the neighborhood just north of Wall Street. He is joined by two Managing Directors, TOMMY (Joe Pesci) and HENRY (Ray Liotta). They all wear bespoke suits without ties, their collars open.

Tommy

Why here instead of our own dining room?

Lloyd

I want us to get out more, so people see us and know we’re not monsters.

Tommy

What’s wrong with the Grill Room of the Four Seasons?

Lloyd

Too rich, too powerful. It’s sends the wrong message.

Tommy

And this Hee-Haw joint sends the right one?

Lloyd

It says wholesome and family-oriented.

Tommy

I don’t see any families.

Lloyd

They come on the weekends. It’s jammed.

Henry

Lloyd’s right. Brunch here is an impossible ticket.

Tommy

I can get in.

Henry

The line’s out the door. I’ve seen it.

Tommy

I can get us all in. Just name the day.

Lloyd

You see? We’ve got to stop that. No obvious use of wealth and influence. Nothing conspicuous. I want us to keep a low profile.

Tommy

But we blend in there. Here we’re conspicuous. Especially without ties.

Lloyd

Think casual. Corporate casual.

Tommy

I think we look like a lounge act.

Lloyd

Let’s talk numbers. We just had an excellent quarter. $3.4 billion in profits.

Henry

The Lufthansa deal helped.

Lloyd

Two more quarters like it and the bonuses will be historic. So big, in fact,that I’m thinking of deferring some payment. For PR purposes.

Tommy

Hold on.

Lloyd

It looks bad if we’re getting rich while everyone else is getting poor.

Tommy

But we are.

Lloyd

And I definitely want to avoid the impression that we’re exploiting the situation.

Tommy

But we aren’t.

Lloyd

Think image. Corporate image.

Tommy

I’m thinking I earned a bonus and I should get it. The whole thing. After all, I arranged the merger between Microsoft and Yoo Hoo.

Lloyd

You mean Yahoo.

Tommy

Uh, oh.

Tommy runs out of the restaurant.

Lloyd

Should I order for you?

INTERIOR LLOYD’S OFFICE NEXT MORNING

LLOYD is sitting behind his desk, HENRY in front of it. Both are drinking bottles of Yoo Hoo, the carbonated chocolate beverage. A champagne bucket on the desk holds several more bottles.

Lloyd

Want some more? We have a carload.

Henry

No, thanks. But I would like to ask you a favor.

Lloyd

Shoot.

Henry

Can I mail something to your house in New Jersey? You know, to avoid sales tax.

Lloyd

Sure. What is it?

Henry

A sable coat I bought for my wife.

Lloyd jumps up, livid with anger.

Lloyd

What did I tell you? No big purchases! Nothing flashy! Nothing expensive!

Henry

Hey, hey. She’s not going to wear it in New York. Only Palm Beach.

Lloyd

Oh, yeah. Wearing a sable coat to the beach isn’t conspicuous.

Henry

Have you ever been to Palm Beach?

Lloyd

Where’s Tommy? He’s late.

Henry

He’s parking his car.

Lloyd

There are twenty-five garages within a block. What’s taking him so long?

Henry

He drove his new car in today.

Lloyd

You’re kidding.

TOMMY enters.

Tommy

If you like that stuff, we’ve got a carload.

Lloyd

Did you buy a new car?

Tommy

Yeah, you want to see it?

Lloyd

What did I tell you about buying things? Nothing big, nothing flashy, nothing expensive.

Tommy

It’s not big and it’s not flashy.

Lloyd

What is it?

Tommy

A Bugatti Veyron.

Lloyd

Sounds expensive.

Tommy shrugs

Tommy

It’s got sixteen cylinders.

Lloyd

Why can’t you drive two V-8s like a normal crowd?

Tommy

What do you drive?

Lloyd

I don’t drive.

Tommy

What does your chauffeur drive? I’ll bet it’s German.

Lloyd

That depends.

Tommy

On what?

Lloyd

On if you think a Mercedes is German.

Tommy

They hauled your friggin’ grandparents away in one, that’s how German it is.

Lloyd

Technically, it’s a Chrysler.

Tommy

And technically we’re a bank.

Everyone laughs. Henry, the hardest.

Henry

You’re a funny guy.

Tommy turns on him, completely serious.

Tommy

What do you mean funny? I amuse you? Is that it? I’m here to amuse you?

Henry

The way you talk is . . . funny.

Tommy

I talk funny? How? Like a clown? Ha, ha. Look at the clown?

Lloyd’s SECRETARY calls on the intercom.

SECRETARY

(OS) Mr. Blankfein, Harry Winston called to say they sent those earrings to your wife.

Lloyd (into intercom)

Thanks.

Tommy

You bought earrings at Harry friggin’ Winston and you’re busting my chops?

Lloyd

They’re very small.

Tommy

I’ll bet they’re diamond.

Lloyd

Yeah, but they don’t look expensive.

Tommy

Then what’s the friggin’ point?

Lloyd

They’re nice, but they don’t look like they cost a million dollars.

Tommy grabs a bottle of Yoo Hoo like a club.

Not that I spent a million dollars.

Tommy relaxes.

Listen, we all have some exposure on this deal, so let’s try to manage our risk, okay. We can either return everything that we bought (Tommy and Henry are stone-faced) or we can keep what we’ve bought and promise not to buy anything else for a year.

Henry

Nothing?

Lloyd

Within reason. Don’t go buying a another sable coat.

Tommy (to Henry)

You bought a sable coat and I’m a bad guy for buying a …a…fuggedy whatsis.

Henry

Bugatti Veyron.

Tommy

Whatever.

Lloyd buries his face in his hands.

Lloyd

I can’t take this anymore.

Tommy

Any time you want to quit, tell me. I’ll be glad to take over. I’ll get the haircut, I don’t mind.

Lloyd

What haircut?

Tommy

You’ve got to be bald to be chairman.

Lloyd

I’m not bald.

Tommy

Unless you have pink hair, you’re bald. So is Paulson, so is Corzine.

Lloyd

What about Rubin?

Tommy

Who?

Lloyd

Robert Rubin

Tommy

Name sounds familiar. Oh, yeah. He worked for Citygroup.

Everyone laughs. Henry, the hardest.

Henry

You’re a funny guy.

Tommy

What do you mean funny?