Taking The Mickey Out Of Rooney.

TIME: Sixty minutes before the taping of Sixty Minutes.

PLACE: Andy Rooney’s office.

The famous journalist sits behind his desk. His hoary (look it up) visage, known to millions, smiles at the producer, easily one-third his age, standing in front of him.

Producer

Good morning, Mr. Rooney. Have you written a piece for this week’s show?

Rooney

I don’t write them anymore. I just wing it.

Producer

On camera?

Rooney

No, I’m not that good. I come up with the idea first, then improvise.

Producer

Do you have an idea for this week’s show?

Rooney

Not yet, but I will.

Producer

We tape in an hour.

Rooney

Don’t you trust me, little girl?

Producer

I trust you, but . . .

Rooney

Okay, how about . . . job security?

Producer

Excellent! Very current.

Rooney

Want to see my job security?

He takes a framed photograph out of a desk drawer and hands it to her.

Rooney

You’re holding it wrong.

She turns it and gasps.

Producer

Is that . . . ?

Rooney

Bill Paley, himself. I like to call her, “Elsie.”

Producer

Maybe a different topic.

Rooney

How about war stories? I’ve got some great ones.

Producer

Perfect!

Rooney

Me, Murrow and Pamela Harriman in the ball turret of a B-17.

Producer

Is there something more wholesome?

Rooney

Hmmm . . . how about Don Hewitt?

Producer

He’s my hero. He’s why I came to Sixty Minutes.

Rooney

He once serviced a midget from the cast of The Wizard of Oz. She was a real munchkin.That’s kind of wholesome.

Producer

Anything more personal?

Rooney

I’ve got it! I’ve got it!

Producer

What?

Rooney

I don’t know. It was in my ear.

Producer

Getting back -

Rooney

It's personal. Maybe it's a subject?

Producer

You can’t talk about earwax.

Rooney

Ever wonder how wax gets in your head and why it comes out your ear? What purpose does it serve, anyway?

Producer

What I love is how you find the fascinating in the mundane.The way you focus on the over-looked beauties of daily life.

Rooney

I had a beauty this morning. All it takes is a cup of coffee.

Producer

All right, all right, I give up. Have it your way.

Rooney

Thanks. Now, get out of here before I fake a heart attack and blame it on you.