"Madoff dying of cancer, fellow inmates say."
The Boston Globe (8/24/09)
TIME: August, 2009
PLACE: Federal Correctional Facility, Butner, North Carolina
A short woman with a perky, blonde bob, who looks like Katie Couric, but isn’t, talks through the bullet-proof glass partition of a prison visiting room to a man who looks like Bernie Madoff and is.
RUTH MADOFF
I’ve brought something for you.
A smiling corrections officer brings him a delicious-looking chocolate cake.
BERNIE
Is there a file in it?
RUTH
Something better.
BERNIE
What?
RUTH
Cancer!
BERNIE
Huh?
RUTH
Remember how you said, terminal cancer would solve all your problems?
BERNIE
Yes.
RUTH
Enjoy.
BERNIE
This has cancer in it?
RUTH
Enough to kill all of North Carolina. At least, that’s what the doctor said.
BERNIE
A doctor? What doctor?
RUTH
Why? Are you going to send him a thank you note?
BERNIE
No, but I didn’t think you could call up and say, “Hi, doctor, I want some cancer.”
RUTH
You’d be amazed at how many hospitals want you dead. I’m shocked.
BERNIE
Beth Israel, definitely.
RUTH
Every hospital named Beth Israel. Also Dana/Farber Cancer Institute, Sloan Kettering and MD Anderson.
BERNIE
Who?
RUTH
The big cancer hospital in Texas.
BERNIE
Were they clients?
RUTH
Not directly.
BERNIE
How long will this, uhh . . . take to . . . work?
RUTH
I’m not sure, but there is a faster alternative.
The same smiling officer brings him a small, plastic pharmacy bottle with one pill in it. Bernie reads the label.
BERNIE
Potassium Chloride? That’s salt, isn’t it?
RUTH
Not exactly.
BERNIE
Oh. You mean . . .
She nods.
BERNIE
Works fast?
RUTH
You should be lying down when you take it.
He puts the pill jar aside.
BERNIE
This cake looks good. Who made it?
RUTH
William Greenberg Desserts.
BERNIE
I thought they didn’t like us.
RUTH
They don’t, but when I told them what it was for, Mr. Greenberg insisted on making it himself.
BERNIE
I suppose I should be flattered.
RUTH
He demanded on seeing the virus first.
BERNIE
Oh.
RUTH
And a letter from the doctor. Notarized.
BERNIE
Wasn’t he worried about, you know, the germs?
RUTH
As long as he doesn’t lick his fingers, he’s okay.
BERNIE
You’re in a good mood.
RUTH
You want to see me cry? Come home and you’ll see me cry all day, every day.
BERNIE
Sorry.
RUTH
I thought I was doing you a favor.
BERNIE
You are. In fact, now that I think of it . . .
RUTH
What?
BERNIE
Never mind.
RUTH
Tell me.
BERNIE
If I get cancer -
RUTH
When you get cancer.
BERNIE
When I get cancer – and it gets really bad – it’s a long shot, but . . . do you think they’ll give me compassionate release to go home?
If there's anyone who can cheat death, it's Madoff. He should be cremated and have 10 percent of his ashes sent to each of his investors. His storefront accountant can figure it out.
ReplyDeletemadoff should call dr. conrad murray, and get some of michael jackson's 'milk' to wash the cake down. he should have a good one.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
ReplyDeleteI think it's a natural for the "Got MIlk" campaign.