Ain't Worth Changing The Flag For.

Not since Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco lent their tainted glamor to it, has Long Island received such dubious attention. This suburb of New York City wants to be the nation's fifty-first state. Why does this land of paved-over potato fields entertain such a ridiculous notion? The root cause is - hold on - taxes. I know it's shocking, but someone in this country is unhappy about their taxes. In particular, Suffolk County legislator, Edward Romaine, who complained to Samantha Bee of the Daily Show (6/15) that Long Island pays $5 billion in state taxes and only gets $2 billion back in state services. His solution is to secede from New York. He's not alone. On may 12, 2009, the Suffolk County legislature passed a home rule resolution calling for a study and referendum on the merits of Long Island seceding from the state. Prima facie, this extravagant notion has too many problems to be taken seriously.

First, how can Long Island afford it? If the plan doesn't include a steep reduction in taxes, no one will approve it. A mere billion less won't satisfy anyone and if you lower it to $2 billion, there's no point in seceding. Let's split the difference and say the new state has a budget of $3 billion. Infrastructure costs alone will go through that like Sherman through Georgia. Long Island will be completely responsible for maintaining its eponymous railroad and expressway. The former hasn't posted a profit since the Kennedy administration. Parts of the latter have been under construction for about the same time. Seced-ing is expensive and Long Island doesn't have the clams.

Suppose, for argument's sake, Long Island secedes without reducing taxes. Deciding what to do with the money poses another severe challenge. How much do you think some rich doctor from Suffolk County wants to support Hempstead, Valley Stream and other less than regal communities in Nassau County? Likewise, do you think the rich stockbrokers in Garden City care about the struggling fishermen in Montauk? Not if you gave them free lobsters. And what about the idle youth of both counties? The ones who like to drop heavy objects from overpasses and watch them smash through the windshields of passing cars? Amusing them takes money, arresting them takes even more. While we're on the topic, how about educating them? No, really, how about some education?

Assuming that a state assembly of great wisdom agrees on a set of priorities, who will have the power to make sure that they're met? Who will govern this separate isle, this royal throne of drag racers, this strip mall set in a silver sound? Al D'Amato? I hope not. "Senator Pothole" may be Long Island down to his bib from The Jolly Fisherman, but so are mile-long traffic jams and summer blackouts - especially after a hurricane. How about the pride of Massapequa? Those golden boys, the Baldwin Brothers? Okay, Alec may not be as bad as the boss he plays on Thirty Rock. I'll give you him, but it still won't be Fourth Century Athens.

Does anyone really take the idea of secession seriously? I doubt it. Did anyone ever? Maybe, but those dreams are as gone as Nathan's in Oceanside. (And mourned a lot less, I'll be bound.) Talk about statehood is a thinly disguised version of the most boring, useless and vulgar form of expression known to man: tax-whining.