Six detainees from Guantanamo Bay are now free to return to their own countries. Together with Ahmed Khalfan Ghailani, who was released to face trial in New York City, it's an encouraging start for Pres. Obama's plan to close the detainment center completely. It's also a vast improvement over our government's policy of only five years ago. As The New York Times reported on 7/8/04, " . . . detainees will be provided with personal representatives, not lawyers, to help them consider their legal options." It was not a popular program. In fact, only person took advantage of it. This is his story.
A tall, well-groomed man with graying sideburns and a butterscotch tan enters an interrogation room at the U.S. Detainment Center in Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. He is wearing a pinstripe suit with an open collar shirt and matching pocket square. Facing him across the table is a skinny, swarthy man in an orange jumpsuit and manacles.
“Good morning, Mr…Akbar. I’m here to help you challenge your status as an enemy combatant.”
“Is it com - BAT- ant or comba -TONT?”
“There’s no point in seeming French, is there?”
“I guess not, Mr…?”
“Call me Mr. Carlos.”
“Are you a lawyer?”
“No, a hairdresser.”
“So, how can you help me?”
“You’re appearing before a tribunal and I can improve your appearance.”
“Okay, what do I do?”
“First, we’ll wash your hair, probably twice. Then I’ll blow you out.”
“Does that mean what I think it means?”
“You get one hairdresser joke and that was it.”
“Sorry.”
“For a style, I see something short and dignified.”
“Not too short.”
“Very short, I’m afraid. It’s a military tribunal.”
“How about my beard?”
“They mistrust facial hair, too.”
“Can I keep my mustache? Please?”
“That depends. What are you charged with?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’d take it off. Just in case. Have you ever had a facial?”
“No.”
“Good. I know a woman named Olga, who will leave your face red, white and a little blue.”
“Is that good?”
“It’ll make you look American.”
“But I am American.”
“You are?”
“I’m a citizen. Born and raised in Detroit.”
“Hmm. I have an inspiration. Wait a minute.”
Mr. Carlos digs around in his leather shoulder bag until he finds a glossy fashion magazine. He opens it and points to a picture.
“How about that look instead?”
“That’s Omar Sharif.”
“Fine-looking man.”
“But he’s Egyptian! That won't help.”
“The only thing our government hates more than a terrorist is admitting that you shouldn't be here. If we give them any reason to suspect you, they may show mercy.”
“What kind of mercy?”
Hail Freedonia!
ReplyDeleteThat was hilarious. Political truth served with the most imaginative, original, humor. Congratulations and keep them coming.
(I guess the suspect could have asked for a whig, but that would be too much topay)
Tom M
Hair! Hair! You'tre toupee comment had me rolling on the rug.
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