"The Too Fat Polka."

What combines the best qualities of marathon dancing and malnutrition and is more entertaining than both? "Dance Your Ass Off," premiering June 29 on the Oxygen Network. It's either a dance competition for morbidly (but not morosely) obese people or a weight loss contest for those who can do a passable pasa doble. It's two - two - two shows in one. It starts with twelve contestants weighing a total of almost three thousand pounds. They train and perform with professional dancers, are judged by the usual trio of heat-seeking demi-celebrities and then must weigh in to reveal their weekly weight loss. Both numbers are combined for an overall score and the loser is sent packing.

By offering twice the humiliation of either "Dancing With The Stars" or "The Biggest Loser," this show should be twice as successful, right? Yes, but I still think the producers of "Dance Your Ass Off" are being lazy. They're merely picking the low-hanging fruit of human degradation. If they really want to exploit the full entertainment value of this concept, there are two steps they can take. One is combining the two competitions, so the contestants can only lose weight by dancing. How is that possible? A marathon dance - people dance until they collapse. What's more, there are regularly scheduled "steeplechases," in which the dance teams must race each other around the stage. Talk about "Sweating to the Oldies." It's Depression-era entertainment for an economy trembling on the brink. Should that idea prove, somehow, unappetizing, there's a less extreme alternative. "Dance Your Ass Off" should show what the losers do after they leave the studio. The damage to bakeries, alone, would guarantee newsworthy footage. (Call me cynical, but I don't think salad bars would be effected.)

It's not all fun and games, however. There's a poignant aspect to "Dance Your Ass Off." Who will host this show? Who would want to? How about a TONY Award-winning actress? Impossible, you say? Ridiculous, you scoff? Very possible, I reply. The host will be Marissa Jaret Winokur. But she starred in a broadway show! She won Best Actress in a Musical for "Hairspray!" Why would she do this - unless (the poignant part) it's the best thing she's been offered. I hope, for her sake, that Marissa makes millions and that the public-hanging sensibility of this show doesn't cling to her. Not withstanding, I hope the show tanks and TV goes back to scripted entertainment. It won't turn the idiot box into a Greek theater, but it won't be the Roman coliseum that it is now.